Go and be reconciled.  Earlier in his ministry Jesus had told his disciples that while they were worshiping him in the sanctuary they might remember that a fellow Christian had something against them.  If that happened, they were to leave their place of worship and, “First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:24).  Reconciliation should take place as soon as possible after we realize we need it.  Of course, one must be careful not to attempt it immediately after the offense while emotions are still highly aroused and may interfere.

            Reconciliation literally means to “bring together again.”  The dictionary defines it as “to make friendly again or win over to a friendly attitude.”  Although forgiveness has occurred, friendship may not have yet been restored, and that is what is missing.  Forgiveness may involve only one person, but reconciliation always takes two.

            Note that here we are talking about restoring a relationship between you and someone you know has something against you.  We are not talking about the situation in Matthew 18 which involves you having something against another person.

How do I do it?  People are sometimes unsure of how to go about actually moving toward reconciliation.  Fred DiBlasio has developed several steps he uses to help people through forgiveness and into reconciliation.  After defining, considering Scriptures on, and explaining forgiveness and reconciliation, he introduces the following steps.  Then after reviewing the steps, he asks if the people want to go through them toward reconciliation.  If so, they proceed.  If not, they wait.

·         The offender states and explains the offense.  He or she clearly, specifically, and explicitly states the act for which he or she is seeking forgiveness and reconciliation.  He or she then follows with an explanation of the reason behind the offensive behavior.

·         Both parties ask questions and receive answers about what happened, and this information may begin to bring them together.

·         The offended shares his or her emotional reaction (with the permission of the offender).  This ventilating of feelings in detail often leads to the offender being more empathic.

·         The offender then paraphrases what was said and proposes a plan.  Expressing the feelings in other words usually leads to even greater empathy, and then he or she proposes a plan (including specific changes and means of accountability) that will eliminate the behavior.

·         The offended then identifies with the offender.  Realizing that he or she is not completely faultless, the offended may be able to identify with some of the guilt, loneliness, etc. that the offender has experienced since the act.

·         Both persons must agree on what forgiveness and the first steps toward reconciliation mean.  Granting forgiveness means that the offense can never again be used as a weapon--it is a letting go, but not necessarily forgetting.  The one receiving forgiveness must remember that he or she has agreed to be accountable and not repeat the offense. 

·         The offender then makes a formal request for forgiveness and reconciliation for the action in question.  This may include asking God as well and the formal recording of the date, time and place of the request.

·         The offended then either grants, or refuses to grant, forgiveness and movement toward reconciliation.  If granted, it is recorded with the request.  If not granted, the process stops here and may be resumed at a later time.

This cycle is then repeated as often as necessary until all offensive actions have been discussed.  It usually includes both parties taking turns being the offended and the offender.  However, no one is allowed to pressure another person to ask forgiveness for perceived wrong behavior.  Also remember that although forgiveness is final in this process, much emotion may remain and full reconciliation may take much more time.