Interpersonal Sex
This chapter can begin in much the same way as the last one. In addition to thinking about sex and engaging in some kind of solitary sexual activity, most adolescents engage in some kind of sexual activity with others. Like other young adults, adolescents have the drive to express their sexuality as a part of the sexual maturity that comes with puberty. However, since they cannot marry, that expression takes place in other ways before marriage. In the next two chapters we will continue to consider the most common sexual behaviors of adolescents, what the Bible has to say about each, and what Christians have to say about each.
Petting
Dating as a way of choosing a spouse was invented as part of the creation of adolescence. Before adolescence parents generally picked spouses for their children and made arrangements for the marriage. That seemed to be the logical thing to do since parents should have the best interests of their children at heart, and the parents had lived in a marriage relationship so knew what it took to make a good marriage partner. As mentioned earlier in the book, parents made the arrangements, then when the children came of age, they could accept or reject those arrangements. This is still the way it is for about 60% of the teenagers in the world.
After the invention of adolescence, the choice of the marriage partner went to the adolescents themselves. Not having lived in a marriage relationship, the new adolescents had to develop some other basis for making the choice of a spouse. Dating was developed as a way to get to know other people by doing fun things together, and by the 1920s petting had become an accepted and expected part of the dating relationship. Reporting the results of their research at the middle of the twentieth century Alfred Kinsey and his associates noted that over the forty years on which they had data, no other aspects of female sexual behavior in America had changed as much as petting and premarital sex. The greatest change was in the generation born in the first decade of the century, and petting became more and more prevalent through the 1950s. They pointed out that it was a clear-cut instance of social factors influencing sexual behavior.
The general idea of petting was to arouse each other sexually through touch without going on to have sexual intercourse. Although no generally agreed on definitions emerged for different types of petting, such definitions usually hinged on whether the petting was above or below the waist and inside or outside the clothing. During the first half of the century only about one-third of the females and two-thirds of the males reported participating in petting anywhere on the body and inside the clothing, but by 1975 about three-fourth of both reported such petting.
The Bible does not say anything about petting by unmarried adolescents. However, it does have one verse about a married couple petting. “And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife” (Genesis 26:8 KJV). Not wanting to be too graphic, those translators 400 years ago called it “sporting.” Most modern versions call it “caressing” or “petting.”
If you looked out the window today and saw a man and woman “sporting,” would your first thought be that they must be a married couple? This was Abimelech’s reaction in the next verse: “And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, behold, of a surety, she is thy wife: And how saidst thou, she is my sister?” (Genesis 26:9), KJV). He had concluded that Rebekah was not Isaac’s sister, and he assumed that Isaac would not be fondling someone other than his wife.
Since the Bible is silent on this subject, Christians have a wide spectrum of views. Some Christians present petting in a positive light. Lewis Smedes in his book, Sex for Christians, said, “Petting can be a delicately tuned means of mutual discovery....it can be a process in which two people explore each other’s feelings with no intention of having intercourse....it is an adventure in personal understanding and intimacy that calls for control and discipline." That may be possible, but it rarely (if ever) happens with today’s adolescents. Note that Smedes said “can be” and “calls for control and discipline.” Usually it is not, and usually the control is not present either.
Other Christians say that virtually all physical contact is wrong. Herbert Miles in his book, Sexual Understanding before Marriage, said, “Often young people try to distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable petting. Holding hands and ‘relatively unstimulating kissing and embracing’...If we are going to face truth unequivocally—and face the truth we must—it is necessary to state bluntly that there is no such thing as unstimulating kissing and embracing.” He seems to say that holding hands is all right, but kissing, embracing, and anything more intimate is not.
Other Cultural Phenomena
As TCKs you know that cultures vary on many things. Not only do cultures vary, but different locations in the same country may vary widely as well. Just as an Indiana farm boy may come from a culture quite different from a suburban California girl, so may cultures in other countries vary from one part to another. Here are some things that currently vary from place to place across and within cultures.
Intercourse
When “petting” is done by married people, it is often called “foreplay” because it naturally leads up to sexual intercourse. The idea of sexually arousing each other and then not continuing on to have intercourse does not make logical sense, and it often does not end that way in real life. Becoming sexually aroused and stopping before having intercourse is very frustrating in the long run, and most people who engage in heavy petting sooner or later wind up having intercourse even though they are not married.
As you might expect, the Bible does not have much to say about sex and unmarried adults (adolescents) because teenagers could marry. However, it does have a few passages. In the Old Testament when Joseph was an unmarried teenage (17 when he began working) TCK, his boss’s wife asked him to have sex with her. He replied, “How can I do this great wickedness and sin against God” (Genesis 39:9 KJV). This was not just a single temptation, but she repeatedly asked him to go to bed with her; however, he refused and wisely avoided even being with her. One day when they happened to be alone in the house, she even grabbed his jacket and asked him to go to bed with her—he wisely slipped out of his jacket and ran out of the house.
When the Apostle Paul, a New Testament TCK, wrote to answer some questions, he noted that celibacy was good but went on to say, “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2 KJV), and he went on to encourage husbands and wives to have regular sexual intercourse. The word “fornication” is usually translated “immorality” in modern versions and may refer to a variety of illicit sexual activities, but it clearly refers to sex by unmarried individuals in this case.
Paul wrote to another church, “This is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication” (1 Thessalonians 4:3 KJV). He tells them that they should be holy, that they should not have sex before marriage. He goes on to tell them to develop self control, literally, that they should learn to acquire a wife or learn to live with their own wife.
Homosexual Behavior
There is much more talk about homosexual behavior than there is actual homosexual activity. A minority of adolescents even experiment with it, and a much smaller minority make it a lifestyle (perhaps 1 woman in 100 and 2 men in 100). The homosexual activists are a very vocal minority, but most teens do not become involved. This brief section is important because most people believe such activity is more common than it really is.
The Bible has about half a dozen verses prohibiting homosexual behavior. This activity is mentioned in the major passages on sexuality in the Old Testament (particularly Leviticus 18:22 and Leviticus 20:13) and in the New Testament (particularly 1 Corinthians 6:9). A passage mentioning both male and female homosexual behavior is Romans 1:26-27.
Unfortunately, not all TCKs were as sexually pure as Joseph and Paul. Lot was a TCK born in Ur; however, Lot lived with his grandfather (Terah) and his Uncle Abram after his father died. Soon the whole family settled in Haran where Lot spent some of his developmental years. After Grandpa died, Abram was called by God to leave his country and his culture, so Abram and Lot moved to Canaan, then to Egypt, then back to Canaan again. However, soon they were so wealthy that the land could not support them together, so Uncle Abe gave Lot his choice of where to live. Lot chose to live down along the Jordan River near Sodom, and soon Lot moved into the city of Sodom. (Genesis 12-14).
One evening while Lot was sitting at the city gates, two angels arrived at the city, and Lot invited them home to have dinner and to spend the night. However, before bedtime young and old men from all over the city surrounded Lot’s house and demanded that Lot send the visitors out so the Sodomites could have sex with them (the reason homosexual behavior is often called sodomy). Lot refused but offered to give his own daughters to the men outside to do whatever the Sodomites wanted with them (Genesis 19). How could he do such a thing? Even though he had been raised by Abram, Lot had chosen to live near a sinful place and later moved into it. The values of those you live with often ultimately become your own values.
Sexual Abuse
TCKs sometimes experience sexual abuse. Lot’s daughters were also TCKs. They probably lived some of their developmental years while Lot and Abram were moving between Cannan and Egypt. However, even if they were not born until Lot had settled in Sodom, they were still living in one culture at home with Lot but surrounded by another culture in Sodom. Living among these people day after day, Lot was deeply distressed by what he saw and heard (2 Peter 2:8), but the Sodomites’ values slowly became his as well. Lot’s daughters barely escaped sexual abuse by the nationals living around them—primarily because those nationals were interested in homosexual relations. However, TCKs today sometimes find themselves the victims of sexual abuse by nationals.
Sexual relations also sometimes occur between family members. This may be between adults and their own offspring or the offspring of relatives. More often it is between adolescents and their siblings or cousins. No one is sure just how often this occurs because it is still regarded by most people as shameful and seldom reported. However, sometimes TCKs live in close-knit expatriate communities where all adults are called aunts and uncles. When sex occurs between TCKs and this “family,” the same dynamics of shame and secrecy can occur. Although the Bible does not have many passages on incest, the ones in Leviticus 18 and 20 are very specific. They list all of the relatives with whom one should not have sexual relations.
Unfortunately Lot is an example of a TCK who was involved sexually with his own TCK daughters. His daughters were probably teenage TCKs at the time since they were still virgins but pledged to be married. Since their husbands-to-be were both killed when Sodom was destroyed, the two daughters came up with the idea that they could preserve the family line by having sex with their own father. How could they do such a thing? The values of those around you can become your own values. Alcohol is often involved in sexual sin today, and such was the case with Lot. Drunk one night he had sex with his older daughter, and drunk the next night, he had sex with his younger daughter. Both of his daughters were pregnant by their father (Genesis 19). It is little wonder that the older daughter named her son Moab, “from father.” Ironically Lot carried out his proposal to the Sodomites (sex with his daughters) himself!
What can adolescent TCKs do?
Having to make decisions about such things as petting and sex before marriage is largely a result of the invention of adolescence. A couple hundred years ago marriages were arranged and teenagers could marry, so such decisions were not necessary. However, we live in a culture which does not allow you to marry when you become sexually mature, so here are some suggestions for the things discussed in this chapter.
Since the Bible does not mention petting by sexually mature people who were not married, and since Christians do not agree about it, consider the following.
There is no way anyone can write a general set of suggestions about what I have called “Other Cultural Phenomena.” Gestures, clothing, behaviors, and such things vary from culture to culture, change from time to time within any culture, and are different in various places in the same culture. What I described were a few things that are true of some parts of the United States in the spring of 2005, and by the time you read this they may be quite different.
The only way to cope with these things is to find someone to be your “mentor” or “advisor” in the particular place, time, and culture in which you find yourself. This is true whether you are entering your host culture or your passport culture. This person needs to warn you about things before you enter the culture as well as watch you while you are in that culture. No one can think of all of the things that may have sexual meanings, but he or she can spot them when you do them.
Since the Bible does mention having sex before marriage, the simple answer here is, “Don’t.” However, some suggestions may help you say, “No,” so that you do not have sex before marriage.
Although having sex before marriage sounds like a logical way to find out if you are sexually compatible (made for each other), it just does not work. Study after study has shown that people who have sex with each other before marriage are less satisfied with sex in marriage and more likely to divorce than are couples who do not have sex before marriage.