…about Loneliness
Lately you have been feeling “invisible.” It seems like everyone else has friends, but you are just “in” the crowd—not “of” the crowd. You feel empty, disconnected, and alienated from those around you—socially inadequate, socially unskilled. You are anxious and sad but feel like no one else knows how miserable and isolated you are. You feel empty and hollow, like you are separated from the rest of the world.
People around you are friendly and greet you with a smile. However, you find it difficult, seemingly impossible, to have any really meaningful interaction with others. You would like to meet new people and make deep friendships, but you just can’t bring yourself to take part in social activities to make friends.
Feeling unloved and unwanted, you are lonely. But how could you be lonely when there are people all around you? Isn’t God always with you so that you will not be lonely? Can cross-cultural workers be lonely? What can you do?
How can I be lonely?
You are certainly not alone if you live in a city of millions of people. However, loneliness has nothing to do with being alone; it has to do with relationships. If you live in a village of a hundred people, you are much less likely to be lonely than if you live in a city of a million people. You are likely to know the names of everyone you meet in that village, but you may never meet anyone you know in that city.
Many people choose to be alone, to experience solitude, and they find it a positive, pleasurable, enriching time. Loneliness is essentially unwilling solitude, wanting to be in relationship with others but not experiencing it. “Forced solitude,” solitary confinement, is one of the most terrible punishments used on people in prison.
You may be relatively new to the culture in which you live so that you find it difficult to have meaningful relationships with the nationals. You have not yet internalized enough of the culture to feel at ease with close relationships in it. Or you may have been in that culture for many years, even the leader of your group, and still be lonely. Being the leader changes your relationships with everyone in the group and it is “lonely at the top.”
Can God’s people be lonely?
You may think, “Isn’t God with me everywhere? I’m part of the family of God so how can I be lonely?” God is with you everywhere, but you need human relationships as well. You are part God’s family, but you may still not have the deep friendships you desire with other members of his family. You can still be lonely. Here are some examples.
· Adam. Even before sin entered humanity, God noted that it was not good for Adam to be alone, so God created Eve as a companion with whom Adam could be in relationship (Genesis 2).
· David. In the Psalms David said, “My friends and companions avoid me…my neighbors stay far away” (31:11), and “look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me” (142:4).
· Elijah. While deeply discouraged just after a great spiritual victory, Elijah said, “I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too” (1 Kings 19:10, 14).
· Jesus said, “You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me (John 16:32). Only hours later even the Father was gone, and Jesus said, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46).
Do other cross-cultural workers feel this way?
Everyone feels lonely at times, and cross-cultural workers are no exception. Living in a strange culture away from family and friends, most people feel lonely.
Near the end of his second letter to Timothy, Paul (a veteran cross-cultural worker) wrote about several things that made him feel lonely.
· Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me (2 Timothy 4:10).
· Crescens has gone to Galatia (2 Timothy 4:10).
· Titus (has gone) to Dalmatia (2 Timothy 4:10).
· At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me (2 Timothy 4:16).
· Do your best to get here before winter (2 Timothy 4:21).
Paul was so lonely that he even asked Timothy to bring Mark, a man who had deserted Paul and Barnabas years before. Paul had held this desertion against Mark many years and would not even let Mark go with him on his second term of cross-cultural service. Lonely now, Paul said:
· Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in my ministry (2 Timothy 4:11).
What causes loneliness?
Loneliness is common because it has so many causes. These causes may be found in your situation or within you. Here are some possible causes.
· Your moving. Part of being a cross-cultural worker is moving from one place to another, either reentering your passport culture repeatedly or moving from one culture to another.
· Friends moving. If you do not move, other people from your agency are likely to. Expatriates are constantly on the move.
· Away from family and friends. Part of working cross-culturally is living in a place far from acquaintances in your past.
· Expectations not met. Perhaps you had heard how friendly people were in your host culture, but you find them quite distant.
· Rejected. You may not be accepted by the people you came to serve and feel rejected even by people serving in your agency.
· Discriminated against. You came to serve, but you find that political or social forces in your host country discriminate against you because of your passport country, your race, or your religion.
· Surface relationships. 1. You long to share deeply with others, but you are not able to find anyone in your agency or in your host culture who wants to do so.
· Surface relationships. 2. You do not want to become too close to anyone because you know that either they or you will be moving soon.
· Lack of social skills. You do not understand how to interact well in your host culture—or maybe your passport one.
· Self-conscious or shy. Having low self-esteem or lack of self-confidence. You find it difficult to get close to anyone in any culture.
· Anxiety, depression, feelings of worthlessness or social phobias. Personal problems in adjustment prevent you from interacting adequately with other expats or nationals.
· Fear of rejection. You had some intimate friends, but they turned on you so that you now fear it will happen again.
· The city feels so unfriendly. You grew up in a farming community or small town, and the large city in which you serve has no similar sense of community.
What can I do to get over loneliness?
The good news about loneliness is that you CAN take steps yourself to get over it. It is the only “disorder” that can be cured by adding two or more cases together! However, the more lonely you feel, the harder it is to take the steps needed, so remember that it takes time, effort, and commitment. You may need the help of a counselor to begin to take those steps.
Basically what you want to do is to find the cause (perhaps from the ones listed above) and then do things to counteract that cause. You may have to make changes in your situation or changes in yourself. Do not wait for your feelings of loneliness to go away—act first, and the change in feelings will come later. Here are some suggestions.
· Look for ways to get involved with people around you, such as eating with them, sitting near them, exercising with them.
· Put yourself in situations where you will meet new people, such as joining a club, attending a new church and doing volunteer work with others.
· Develop your social skills, practice getting to know others, and become vulnerable enough to let people know you.
· Do not assume new relationships will be the same as old ones. Look at each new person from a new perspective.
· Respond to others and their interests, but do not pretend to be interested in something you are not. People will sense that
· Go do things you like to do even if you have to go alone. Attending a concert or film, even taking a walk you may meet someone with similar interests.
· Being a friend or helping someone may result in a deeper relationship.
· Take a class in an area of interest. You may meet someone with similar interests.
· Ask people about themselves because people usually want to share with someone who is interested in them.
A word of caution!
Modern communication technology, such as e-mail, instant messaging, webcams, VoIP, and low international phone rates has resulted in some people becoming so interested in maintaining old relationships that they fail to build new ones.
These distant relationships may make us think that we do not need intimate face-to-face relationships. This is not the case. Even though you may be able to hear and even see the person, it is not the same as interacting with a real person.
Trying to maintain such a relationship is often not satisfying and may result in not developing adequate relationships with others.
…about Memory
Art asked Ron to loan him a book. When Ron asked to look something up in the borrowed book, Art told Ron that he had placed it in his mailbox in the central office. Art said that he could “see” his hand placing it in the box. Ron let it go at that, knowing that the book would probably turn up because his name was written in it. A few days later when he entered Art’s office, Ron noticed the book sitting on top of Art’s filing cabinet. How could that be?
Chris taught in the local international school, and she taught several different grades during her decade of service. When a new administration came to the school, she was not happy, especially with the new principal. She did not say anything in public, but she voiced her increasing disappointment with the school repeatedly to her closest friends and asked to change to a different type of service, one with national women in the church. Over time most of her friends transferred to different fields. A decade later, while catching up with one of her friends, Chris mentioned how wonderful the school was and how she had enjoyed her time teaching there. How could that be?
These situations can be explained by considering the nature of memory. During the last half of the 20th century neuropsychologists found that previously accepted concepts of memory may be wrong.
Classical view of memory
Early experiments on memory showed that when individuals learned a fact or had an experience, most of the forgetting took place during the first few hours or days, a time called the consolidation period. When this period ended most psychologists assumed that the memories remaining were stable and permanent. They thought these memories remained unchanged for unlimited periods.
Such memories can be thought of as something like the books in one’s book cases, books which can be opened and read, and perhaps even highlighted. Then the book can be placed back on the shelf with the original material unchanged. The next time a person takes the book off the shelf the material in the book is the same as it was previously.
Current view of memory
During the 1960s neuropsychologists found that these memories do not always remain unchanged. They could literally see that neural connections in the hippocampus of the brain could be changed each time those memories were brought into consciousness. Unfortunately, the classical view was so widely held that these findings were largely ignored. However, around the turn of the century, people began to accept these new facts.
Apparently any time an old (consolidated) memory is recalled, it may become open again to changes and additions so that the original memory actually changes. Of course, it can go through reconsolidation again and again changing some each time
From this view memories are like files saved in a computer. They can be opened, read, and if they are changed, they can be saved again in that changed form. The changes then become part of the document, and the original form is gone. The memory itself is different, and even the author does not have the original.
Each time the memory is recalled, it may be changed a bit until the reconsolidated memory is quite different from the original one.
False Memories
In their research on memory psychologists have created false memories of events that never happened, such as adding an event in a person’s childhood, getting lost in a mall, or even being attacked by a dog. Although the event never occurred, people believe it did and recall details of what happened and how they felt.
False memories occur in real life as well. A woman identified psychologist Donald Thompson as the man who raped her. However, Thompson was on a live TV show at the time of the rape. Apparently the woman was watching him on TV just before the attack occurred, and associated Thompson’s face with the rape.
Art, in the first paragraph, probably had planned to put Ron’s book in his box in the office then confused that thought with an actual event creating a false memory.
Modified Memories
As noted in the current view of memory, whenever an existing memory is brought into consciousness, it may be modified before it is reconsolidated. A familiar example is a fisherman describing the fish that got away. Each time he tells the story showing the length of the fish between his hands, the fish gets longer. Is he lying?
When Hillary Clinton visited Bosnia in 1996, she and others emerged from the plane. A decade later after repeatedly telling the story, she recalled running off the plane under sniper fire. However, 2008 news footage of the event showed her and other passengers smiling as they walked off the plane. She may have been worried about sniper fire at the time, or she may have confused it with another event, and it became part of this memory. Of course, she may just have lied. A similar incident occurred with newscaster Brian Williams who saw a helicopter shot down in Iraq in 2003. By 2007 he said his helicopter was under fire, and by 2013 he said his helicopter was shot down. Either he lied or his memory was modified when recalled.
In the second introductory example Chris modified her memory of teaching at the school. When parents of her former students thanked her for what she had done for their children and her former students also expressed their gratitude, those events became part of her memory and made the memory of teaching much more positive.
Metamemory
Metamemory refers to what people know or believe about their own memories. Most people, including missionaries, believe that their memories do not change over time and that their memories are correct. They often think that, after all, they were there when events occurred so they certainly saw and heard what happened. They have vivid memories of what they personally experienced, but they may not understand that the memories have changed.
What does the Bible say?
The Bible is not silent on the subject of memory. In fact, when people look at a concordance or search a digital file for a given word, they find hundreds of verses about words related to memory.
The word “memory” comes from the Latin word memor, and it is the root of memorable, memorial, memories, remember, remembrance, remind, reminder, and other similar words in modern translations.
The Old Testament is filled with different Hebrew words commanding the Israelites not to forget their heritage through people such as Abraham, prophets such as Isaiah, and kings such as David.
Likewise, in the Greek New Testament gospels Jesus urges the apostles to remember their Old Testament history as well as events recorded Acts and the epistles.
In Luke 22:19 Jesus told the apostles to take communion to remember him, and ended by saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.” Then in 1 Corinthians 11:23-25 Paul repeated Jesus.
An extended passage on memory is in 2 Peter 1:12-15, “So I will always remind you of these things….I think it is right to refresh your memory as long as I live in the tent of this body….And I will make every effort to see that after my departure you will always be able to remember these things.”
Implications
Two missionaries who believe that their memories are unchanging and who both believe that their own memory is correct are likely to, at some time, find differences between what they “remember.” Fortunately, this usually involves minor things such as the color they chose for paint or the route they were going to follow. However, it may also involve important issues such as the availability of car seats for children or differences in salary to be paid. These cases may lead to misunderstanding and conflict.
Believing that their own memories are correct, either or both missionaries may come to the conclusion that the other is lying. This may occur between missionaries from the same culture and may be even more likely on multicultural teams or between missionaries and the nationals they serve. Having different memories does not mean that either is lying. Such differences may occur because of a misunderstanding at the time the memory was formed or because memories of either or both may have changed over time. Discussing the differences is far better than confrontation.
Missionaries need to give each other the benefit of the doubt when differences occur. They must remind themselves that different memories may be formed during the event, or they may occur over time as they recall the original memories in different situations. In fact, field directors’ memories may change more than those of persons they lead because similar situations may occur repeatedly so field directors have more opportunities to modify their memories. The following suggestions may be helpful in preventing misunderstandings.
· Put things in writing and give copies to all individuals involved.
· Taking pictures of people present is easy with smart phones.
· Take videos of the events.
· All keep personal journals of activities and decisions reached.
Finally, all missionaries who have to raise funds or prayer partners when on home ministry assignments need to realize that, unless they have their presentations memorized and never change, their stories may change. Each time they think about an event they may change their own memories of that event.